So im dicking my life away in my booth at my shitty telemarketing job today (as per God's master plan that this is what i should be condemned to do every day of my life from age 18 to infintity), when my "next door neighbor" for the day (we are assigned different seating paterns every day we come into work), who happens to be this nameless face in the crowd that i notice wears black Dickies dress pants, black Converse All Stars, and a one color cotton t-shirt (i.e. the same lame wardrobe as your humble narrator) to work everyday, sits down in the next seat over. I assume, split second, that finally having to sit next to this kid for an entire shift will amount to a great deal of bullshiting about whatever musical tastes we have in common, and will most likely involve me faking like i am interested in getting to know the guy for way longer than i am ready to handle. I roll my eyes, but reside to it. Upon his getting all his stuff onto his
desk, taking off his jacket, and looking in my direction, i am surprised and somewhat dismayed to see that, rather than smiling at me, saying something along the lines of "whats up, bro?", and reaching over to shake my hand, or at least nodding his head at me, he gives me the most
insane, pissed off, angry look, as if to say "goddamn it, there isn't enough room here for the both of us!", plops down angrily in his chair, and doesn't look in my direction for the rest of the night.......like i had somehow stolen this dipshits lone punk rock loser spotlight from our work environment, he was hurt, and well, i outta be ashamed of myself, dammit!
My initial reaction to this situation was utter happiness that i would not be listening to this kid spew off whatever lame ideas he had all nite. I put on my headphones and went to work, happy that i had totally avoided an uncomfortable and potentially very annoying social situation. I could keep to myself and continue daydreaming about sex and obscure punk 45's for the rest of the night. Then it dawned on me.......just where did this kid get off giving ME a dirty look? Wasn't I the one who hated HIM before we even spoke? Was it not i who rolled my eyes the second i noticed him walk into the room? Say.....just how long has he been dressing like that, anyways? How old is he? Has he even worked here as long as i have?
Upset, and in need of taking a dump, i ask my supervisor for a "health break" (polite work term for "taking a shit"). When i am excused to the bathroom i realize i walked into my worst pet peeve in the entire world.... taking an off break trip to the bathroom, thinking you will have the entire john to yourself...and realizing there is another dickwad in the other stall with the same idea. I'm sorry, but at 23, i am still not quite comfortable with the idea of shitting next to another man in a silent bathroom. Maybe that works for you, but it just never caught on with me. So i sit down, and the game of cat and mouse begins. You know how it is. Two males, assholes clenched tight, wait to see who will go first. Its not pretty, and i am rarely the kind of soldier to drop that first bomb. After what seems like an eternity of silence, this middle aged twat( i notice his loafers underneath the stall) finally gives me an earfull of his bowel movement. I suddendly am incredibly frustrated. I REFUSE TO SHIT NEXT TO OTHER MEN! IT is simply NOT FOR ME! This dickwad needs to shit quick, and leave, because i need to shit in total silence, the way god intended men to shit, in caves, fields, and deserts. TAKE YOUR FUCKING SHIT NOW! BECAUSE I DON'T have much time to take mine! I finally give up, pull up my pants, and leave the stall.
Looking in the mirror i reflect again on the kid sitting next to me, and assure myself that i am probably cooler than he is. I somehow convince myself that, although we have on identical outfits, i dress better than he does. I turn on the water and begin to wash my hands. Although i had not gone to the bathroom, and did nothing to dirty myself in any way, i feel its necassary to keep up an outward presentation of good hygene for the man in the stall behind me, even tho he cannot see me, and totally ruined my shit.
I go back to my seat and have a "nice day".